Join Date: Dec 2011
Got this in an email from a friend who lives in ArkLaTex (Bossier City), Louisiana...
Since we are in the middle of hurricane season and right now Issac is
predicted to be heading our way, I thought you might be interested in
the following: For the past few days, you have been turning on the TV
and seeing a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the
Gulf and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic. (2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be on the Gulf Coast . If
you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do
to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one!''
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Montana and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people who live and work here will foolishly stay
here on the Gulf Coast . Go figure.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your
home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built and (2) It is located in Montana .
Unfortunately, if your home is located on the Gulf Coast, or any other
area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because
then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly
not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of
your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the
toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so. He lives in Montana .
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution,
throw these items into your swimming pool. (If you don't have a
swimming pool, you should have one built immediately. A swimming pool
is essential for any home along the Gulf Coast in case of a
hurricane.) Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects
into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says Florida ,
Alabama, Mississippi , Louisiana , or Texas on it, chances are you live
in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you
will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your
home, along with five hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Gulf Coast tradition requires that you
wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and
get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Special note for Floridians: A large quantity of raw chicken, to
placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after
the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers standing outside, right next to the ocean and telling you
over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay inside
and away from the ocean.
Dave & Sue
Kiley & Emily
Izzie (Beagle/Bichon/Mini Poodle)
2012 Ford F150 XLT EB SS CRW 6.5 Max Tow
'12 Dutchmen Kodiak 284BHSL